The work of parenting is more exhausting than it needs to be! We are thinking of parenting all wrong. It can be joyful and energy-fueling if we shift the lens inward. Through my professional work with hundreds of parents and my own personal work, it has become clear that what we really need is to work on ourselves.
So, over the last 12 years, I’ve summed up the best in psychological literature to share with you "Transformational Parenting” which is evidence-based personal development for parents.
Personal development is different for parents. First, we are on a firm deadline! With only 18 years (realistically 12 or 13) to get our act together until we lose our influence on our kids, we are a motivated bunch! Second, because our children are our mirror and are constantly reflecting our emotional state, we have a direct feedback loop available for advanced personal growth. Third, the relationship we create with our children now will be the foundation for our relationship with them as adults. We have no time to dilly-dally around with stuff that distracts from the heart of the matter.
I'm thrilled you're here with me to figure it out. You're brave enough to move away from the dominant paradigm that has us pointing fingers at our children. You're compassionate enough to be willing to make a change for your child. And you're smart enough to know that evidence-based psychology is the only way to go. Welcome!
So, over the last 12 years, I’ve summed up the best in psychological literature to share with you "Transformational Parenting” which is evidence-based personal development for parents.
Personal development is different for parents. First, we are on a firm deadline! With only 18 years (realistically 12 or 13) to get our act together until we lose our influence on our kids, we are a motivated bunch! Second, because our children are our mirror and are constantly reflecting our emotional state, we have a direct feedback loop available for advanced personal growth. Third, the relationship we create with our children now will be the foundation for our relationship with them as adults. We have no time to dilly-dally around with stuff that distracts from the heart of the matter.
I'm thrilled you're here with me to figure it out. You're brave enough to move away from the dominant paradigm that has us pointing fingers at our children. You're compassionate enough to be willing to make a change for your child. And you're smart enough to know that evidence-based psychology is the only way to go. Welcome!
"Thank you, Dr. Jennifer-Johnston Jones, for caring enough about children and enough about humanity to write this book. This magical little book “Transformational Parenting” is like a hug from a really good friend who just happens to be a renown psychologist and parenting expert. Dr. Johnston-Jones presents a clear path to heal old wounds without blame, shame or judgement allowing parents to enjoy raising their children and allowing their children to thrive. I recommend this book with heartfelt gratitude."
7 essential points from Transformational Parenting: The Life-Changing Magic of Parenting as Personal Growth:
1. We are thinking of parenting all wrong.
When we redefine the word “parenting” to include our own personal growth, we set ourselves free of the chains of “parenting” as we know it. We can let go of the idea that we have to raise a perfect child, to be a perfect parent, to “mold” our children into perfect beings who will contribute to society and do no wrong. Not only is this concept impossible but also Egoic; it assumes that there is something intrinsically wrong with our children and that we have to fix them.
2. We have to understand why we are the way we are to find our “ Goldilocks, just right” kind of parenting, where it’s not too soft, or not too harsh.
Parents that often doubt themselves, depend on others’ approval and fear rejection and being unloved, often end up as too soft in their parenting approach and lack boundaries.
Parents that are very self-reliant, less comfortable with emotional expression and emotional intimacy or shutdown or choose to leave relationships under stress are likely to be too firm in their approach.
Parents that desire warmth but get uncomfortable with intimacy are apt to flip flop in their parenting style, confusing their kids.
The healthiest parent style comes from healthy, confident, secure parents.
3. We can’t (and shouldn’t) hide our feeling from our kids
Most parents are taught that we’re supposed to have a happy expression on our face in front of our children even when we feel upset inside. So many parents hide their tears from their children with “I’m fine, honey.” The problem is, our kids know we are not fine and we confuse them. Neurologically, our children are connected to us so we can’t hide if we are upset. We have to be authentic with them in an age-appropriate manner. We don’t have to explain to them our adult problems, but it’s important to validate them by explaining something like “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now so I may not be myself. I’ll be ok but I need a few minutes."
4. Prioritize Sleep
We process stress hormones when we are in deep sleep, yet we live in a sleep-deprived nation. Most of us go to sleep too late, wake up too early, our kids included. So, we start each day with leftover stress hormones from the day before and only function at partial capacity.
5. Don’t Deny the Pain
When we become parents, we are reminded of some of the mistakes our parents made with us. It’s an opportunity for us to heal that which we may have buried over the years. However, when we pretend we are ok, but we are really not, we are more likely to repeat the mistakes our parents made with us.
6. Protect your child (and yourself) from over saturation from media
Media is more powerful than our willpower and its intention is to make us addicted. We want to raise our children to be critical thinkers yet consumption of media is designed to do the opposite. The chimes you hear from your phone can give you a hit of dopamine just like cocaine. Here is what I recommend to protect yourself, and your child, from the programming and addiction of tech:
7. Create Family rhythms
Planning family rhythms is important because if you don’t plan them, they will happen for you, and the rhythm may not be healthy. Without planning rhythms, mornings are often chaotic, your family free time is be taken up with tasks you didn’t plan to do, bedtimes become a power struggle, and children feel disorganized which increases their chances of misbehavior. The key is intentionality – choose that which you most wish for your family and create your rhythm around that goal. For example, if you wish for peaceful bedtimes, make sure you manage your own frustration by getting into a quiet, peaceful energy and your children will follow. One of my favorite family rhythms is the family meeting, which always starts with sharing appreciations of each other.
1. We are thinking of parenting all wrong.
When we redefine the word “parenting” to include our own personal growth, we set ourselves free of the chains of “parenting” as we know it. We can let go of the idea that we have to raise a perfect child, to be a perfect parent, to “mold” our children into perfect beings who will contribute to society and do no wrong. Not only is this concept impossible but also Egoic; it assumes that there is something intrinsically wrong with our children and that we have to fix them.
2. We have to understand why we are the way we are to find our “ Goldilocks, just right” kind of parenting, where it’s not too soft, or not too harsh.
Parents that often doubt themselves, depend on others’ approval and fear rejection and being unloved, often end up as too soft in their parenting approach and lack boundaries.
Parents that are very self-reliant, less comfortable with emotional expression and emotional intimacy or shutdown or choose to leave relationships under stress are likely to be too firm in their approach.
Parents that desire warmth but get uncomfortable with intimacy are apt to flip flop in their parenting style, confusing their kids.
The healthiest parent style comes from healthy, confident, secure parents.
3. We can’t (and shouldn’t) hide our feeling from our kids
Most parents are taught that we’re supposed to have a happy expression on our face in front of our children even when we feel upset inside. So many parents hide their tears from their children with “I’m fine, honey.” The problem is, our kids know we are not fine and we confuse them. Neurologically, our children are connected to us so we can’t hide if we are upset. We have to be authentic with them in an age-appropriate manner. We don’t have to explain to them our adult problems, but it’s important to validate them by explaining something like “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now so I may not be myself. I’ll be ok but I need a few minutes."
4. Prioritize Sleep
We process stress hormones when we are in deep sleep, yet we live in a sleep-deprived nation. Most of us go to sleep too late, wake up too early, our kids included. So, we start each day with leftover stress hormones from the day before and only function at partial capacity.
- Make sure your child has 9-11 hours of sleep, with deep REM sleep to process stress from their day away.
- Maintain your circadian rhythm by going to bed at the same time every night, even on the weekends.
- Neither you nor your children should not be watching TV or playing on their iPads or phones close to bedtime.
5. Don’t Deny the Pain
When we become parents, we are reminded of some of the mistakes our parents made with us. It’s an opportunity for us to heal that which we may have buried over the years. However, when we pretend we are ok, but we are really not, we are more likely to repeat the mistakes our parents made with us.
6. Protect your child (and yourself) from over saturation from media
Media is more powerful than our willpower and its intention is to make us addicted. We want to raise our children to be critical thinkers yet consumption of media is designed to do the opposite. The chimes you hear from your phone can give you a hit of dopamine just like cocaine. Here is what I recommend to protect yourself, and your child, from the programming and addiction of tech:
- Have tv, phone and video games allowed on weekends only.
- When in the car, make that a time for family conversation. Don’t make phone calls or have phone conversations with your child
in the car. Likewise, during family meals, put your phone and laptop away and have screens off. Use mealtimes as an opportunity to make eye contact and connect. - Talk to your child about appropriate online conduct. They may be exposed to things you don’t want them to be unless you tell them how to be safe online.
- Protect your child from violence and adult references in movies, tv, websites and video games they watch and play by censoring and screening what they watch! Sometimes PG is really like R!
7. Create Family rhythms
Planning family rhythms is important because if you don’t plan them, they will happen for you, and the rhythm may not be healthy. Without planning rhythms, mornings are often chaotic, your family free time is be taken up with tasks you didn’t plan to do, bedtimes become a power struggle, and children feel disorganized which increases their chances of misbehavior. The key is intentionality – choose that which you most wish for your family and create your rhythm around that goal. For example, if you wish for peaceful bedtimes, make sure you manage your own frustration by getting into a quiet, peaceful energy and your children will follow. One of my favorite family rhythms is the family meeting, which always starts with sharing appreciations of each other.